When you spend an inordinate amount of time with someone, like a romantic partner, you’re bound to sometimes find them annoying. These frustrations might manifest over small things (never taking the bins out), or they might stem from bigger, maybe more fundamental issues (thinking Brexit means Brexit). Amid this whirlwind of potential annoyances, there’ll be times when you and your partner will argue more than usual – something that’s miserable, sure, but also easy to unnecessarily catastrophise.
To make you feel better, we refer you to this video currently doing the rounds on TikTok that dissects the supposed five stages of a relationship, from the ‘honeymoon’ phase through conflict and all the way to enduring love. As per these stages, once the initial infatuation you had for your partner begins to wear off, you both start to see each other with fresh eyes – and you might not like everything you see. This, in turn, often leads to a crisis period, in which you may find yourselves arguing a lot. While some couples will then fight their way to a break-up, others get through it and move onto the next relationship phases: resolution and long-term commitment.
Although these phases are malleable, and have different names depending on where you source them, the takeaway is the same: that it’s totally normal to argue with your partner, even practically non-stop for a while.
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“How much conflict you have is not a sign of your compatibility or the health of your relationship,” says relationship therapist Catherine Topham Sly. “Disagreements are actually a sign of a healthy relationship where both partners are able to feel and think for themselves, and express their thoughts and opinions freely.”
Still, just because it’s usually perfectly normal, that doesn’t mean it feels good. Arguing a lot can make for an unhappy relationship – even if temporarily – which can have a negative effect in your wider life, including at work, in other relationships, and even on your sleep. So, if you’re determined to curb your feuding, it’s first worth identifying what you’re actually arguing about.
Sly cites chores and mess, money, sex, food, work and time off, family and other relationships, parenting, and sleep as the most common topics that couples argue over, but adds that arguments about one thing could very easily be about something else. “Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman identified how most fights are about power and control, care and closeness, or respect and recognition,” she says. “To identify the true source of arguments, it’s helpful to consider those areas while focusing on what feelings are not getting honoured, what needs are not getting met, and what values feel under threat – essentially, why does this issue feel so important?”
Having an analytical approach to your arguments might also help you have more awareness of the cycles you and your partner get drawn into, which may then make it easier to interrupt them. “When your partner does something that bothers you – or afterwards if you don’t manage it in the moment – stop and reflect on how you’re feeling,” says Sly. “Notice what’s going on in your body, and label the emotion if you can. Then ask yourself what meaning you’re making of what’s happening. What do you imagine this situation means about how your partner sees you, or how they feel about your relationship? Then notice what you tend to do next: perhaps you fight back, maybe you withdraw. The best way to break the cycle is usually to pause, calm yourself down, and interrupt that reaction. Once you’re both calm, tell your partner what you’ve realised about what you were thinking and feeling in the moment before you reacted, or usually would react.”
The latter – communicating reflectively with your partner – is especially important, including admitting if you were wrong, reacted rashly, or said something you didn’t mean in the heat of the moment. Learning to self-reflect and take some time out to soothe yourself during an argument is also helpful – though, admittedly, not easy. Instead, taking a minute before reacting to something can help you approach it more calmly.
“The non-violent communication model is helpful: make a neutral observation to describe the situation you’re addressing, then say how you feel and what you need from your partner, before making a specific request,” says Sly, adding that it’s helpful to establish an underlying goal when disagreeing with your partner. “Many couples get into a habit of approaching arguments like the point of them is to work out who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s much more helpful to look at them as opportunities to learn, and work to understand each other better.”
Nonetheless, you’re never going to prevent arguments completely; so what really matters is how you argue. “Keep it respectful, listen to each other, be okay with different opinions and desires, and find ways to compromise,” asserts Sly. “Avoid criticising or blaming, reacting defensively, expressing contempt or disrespect – for example through swearing or name-calling – or shutting down on your partner. It’s also helpful to avoid bringing up past arguments, exaggerating, generalising, or using absolutes like ‘always’ and ‘never’. Finally, avoid labelling or attempting to diagnose your partner, or talking to them like there’s something wrong with them, and calling for back-up, i.e. mentioning other people who you think would agree with you.”
While arguments are common – and often healthy – in relationships, sometimes constant fighting might be a sign that it’s time to call it quits, particularly if the content of your fights is getting nasty. Before doing so, Sly recommends seeing a therapist if you can, as well as looking back over the whole relationship. “Are your memories mostly positive, even with some hurt about the difficult times? Or have negative feelings taken over, making it difficult to remember or focus on these good times? This matters because our overall feeling about our relationships makes the difference between being able to let go of daily irritations and constantly assuming the worst about each other.”
If there’s still warmth, affection, and respect in your relationship, though, you might just be enduring a rough patch, which – don’t panic – you can not only work through, but even learn from. All that arguing might strengthen your relationship in the long run – even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, when all you want is for your partner to take out those bins.
