How to Avoid Saying Harmful Things when Arguing with Your Spouse

Co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA

Last Updated: March 29, 2024 References

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Every couple argues from time to time. It's normal, and in many ways, it's quite healthy when it actually solves problems without creating new ones. However, some people say things in the heat of the moment that they end up regretting. Others simply may not know how to communicate effectively with their partner, or may have grown up believing that arguments are supposed to be destructive instead of constructive. By avoiding harmful words during an argument and working on learning better communication skills, you and your spouse can build a stronger relationship in which you both feel understood and supported.

Part 1

Part 1 of 5:

Avoiding Hurtful Words

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1
Identify hostile remarks. The worst thing you can do during an argument is to use hostile remarks. These are remarks that are intended to make your partner feel embarrassed, saddened, or humiliated. During an argument, you may make these types of remarks without even realizing that they are hostile and damaging to your relationship.^{[1]
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- There are six common types of hostile remarks: character assassinations, threats of abandonment, threats of exile, invalidations, challenges, and preaching. Each weakens your partner's sense of self-esteem in its own way.
- Talk to your spouse about these common hostile remarks and ask them to help police your speech so you can avoid saying these things. Let your spouse know that you can do the same for them.
2
Resist character assassinations. Character assassinations are a type of hostile remark that involve making sweeping declarations about your spouse, usually that your spouse is irreparably bad or flawed. This may include name calling or labels such as "loser." It may even be a simple character evaluation, such as, "You're too much work and you're not worth it."^{[2]
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- Character assassinations don't have to be giant, degrading slurs. Often times minor character assassinations go unnoticed or uncontested, quietly causing emotional damage.
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3
Avoid threats of abandonment. Any time you make empty threats to leave or imply that you no longer have feelings for someone, you're making a threat of abandonment. This type of hostile remark makes your partner feel worthless. You may not intend to harm your spouse's sense of self-worth, especially if you say something in the heat of an argument, but it can have a lasting impact on your relationship.^{[3]
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- Examples of threats of abandonment include "I'm sick of you" and "You're more trouble than you're worth. I'm over it."
4
Refrain from threats of exile. A threat of exile is when you threaten to kick your spouse out of your life. This may be an offhand hostile remark, like saying, "I don't need you in my life anymore." It can also be a direct challenge, like saying, "Get back together with your ex - you don't deserve someone like me."^{[4]
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- Threats of exile weaken the stability of your relationship by conveying, whether truthfully or as an empty threat, that you don't value or care about your spouse.
Every time you say something to make your spouse feel dumb, out of touch, or not worth listening to, you are invalidating them. This may be a harsh insult, like saying, "You're stupid," or it may degrade the other person, like if you say, "You don't know what you're talking about - you're not worth listening to."^{[5]
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Challenges involve asking questions or making accusations that take away your spouse's right to their feelings. Some common challenges that are posed in hostile interactions include, "How can you believe that?" or "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard."^{[6]
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Avoid preaching. Preaching involves making your spouse feel like a child by reprimanding them or citing some unseen authority on the subject. For example, saying something like, "You're being whiny and immature" or "No decent person would ever say/do what you said/did" would be preaching.^{[7]
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- The unspoken assumption involved in preaching is that your spouse is always wrong and you are always right. Whether you realize it or not, this is the message you are sending.

Part 2

Part 2 of 5:

Preventing Generalizations

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1
Recognize generalizations. Generalizations often fall into "you always" or "you never" statements. These broad characterizations of your spouse are unfair and will only hurt your spouse's feelings, whether you mean to or not.
- Generalizations usually come up when you are exhausted with your spouse or have witnessed them say or do something more than once - hence, two occasions become "You always side with your friends instead of me."
- Generalizations may also come up when you have not seen or heard something in a while. For example, a generalization of this type might be, "You never invite me when you go to parties."
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Stop yourself any time you're about to generalize. Speak slowly during an argument, and try to refrain any time you're about to say "You always do that" or "You never do this." For example, you might catch yourself planning to say in an argument, "You always talk over me when you don't like hearing the truth." This type of statement is usually an exaggeration or completely untrue, but in the moment it may seem like a good response to your spouse.
- Talk to your spouse about generalizations and try to help one another by policing each other's words during a fight.
- Have a nonverbal code, like holding one hand up, that signals to your partner that they've just used a generalization or were about to. Agree that when this happens, you will both take a five minute break and return when you're both calm and relaxed.
3
Assess the situation. Any time you're thinking a generalized thought in your head, it may be helpful to challenge that thought by looking at the facts. Ask yourself whether your spouse actually always or never does what you're about to accuse them of. It can help you to see this as just that - an accusation.
- Think about all the times your spouse has broken your "always/never" accusation. Let yourself appreciate your spouse for all the times they've made you happy.
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Reframe your argument. Once you've learned to recognize generalizations and you've taken a moment to cool off and collect your thoughts, you can restructure the conversation to be more productive. Instead of saying your spouse always or never does something, you can simply say something like, "Earlier, when you started talking over me, it hurt my feelings and I felt like you didn't care about what I think."
- Avoid placing blame or drawing conclusions based on limited experiences. When you reframe your argument, you should be working towards a solution to the problem, not trying to make your spouse feel bad for hurting your feelings.

Part 3

Part 3 of 5:

Defusing a Tense Situation

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1
Resist the urge to yell. Some people raise their voices during conflicts without really realizing it. Others yell deliberately in an attempt to exert power over the argument. Whatever your situation may be, yelling will only lead to hurt feelings and further problems. It will not resolve anything.^{[8]
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- If you're prone to yelling or if you catch yourself raising your voice, try switching to a softer, whispering volume.
- Whispering forces you to use a calmer tone and makes you speak without intimidating, frightening, or angering your partner.
2
Stay focused on the present topic. During a heated argument, many couples tend to dredge up things from the past. This may not be deliberate, as arguments tend to make people remember other things they are frustrated about. However, bringing up one or more unrelated topics will not solve the original problem or the ones being brought up.
- Ask your spouse to gently remind you to stay on topic if you start bringing up the past, then reciprocate as needed.
- Make sure you never act as though your partner is the problem. Focus on the issue or their behavior that caused the problem without attacking your spouse as a person.
- Focus on finding solutions, not placing blame. This is the best way to make an argument healthy and productive.
3
Acknowledge your intentions in the conversation. If you and your partner can calmly and rationally work out a solution to a given problem, proceed with caution and remain respectful. If your intention is to hurt your partner or blame them for something they did, stop the conversation immediately.^{[9]
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Research source} For example, if your spouse didn't invite you to a party and you felt left out, don't start an argument to make them feel bad or apologize. Start a conversation to calmly and respectfully communicate that you feel left out when you're not invited to things. If you're not sure about your intentions, ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you starting an argument (intentionally or not) to get back at your spouse for something they did?
- Is your goal to shame, humiliate, frustrate, or belittle your spouse?
- Is there a reasonable solution to the problem(s) at hand? Are you working towards solving problems, or just placing blame?
- What do you see as an ideal resolution? Are you actually working towards that resolution or simply starting a fight?
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Understand each other's family patterns. You or your spouse may have grown up in a household where the parents fought constantly or said hurtful things whenever they argued. It's possible that you or your spouse may have picked up these argumentative tendencies without realizing it and without recognizing them as hostile and harmful. While this doesn't excuse this type of behavior, it does help give you context to know why you or your spouse argues that way. Once you're aware of it, you can begin to work together to change those habits to something more constructive.^{[10]
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- Don't blame yourself or your partner for these tendencies, but recognize them for what they are: unhealthy and detrimental to your relationship.
- Try to calmly (and without blame) help one another recognize these patterns in your speech. For example, you might say, "I'm not trying to blame you or detract from what you're saying, but I think you might be using unhealthy ways of arguing again."

Part 4

Part 4 of 5:

Communicating in a Healthier Way

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1
Treat your spouse how you want to be treated. During an argument, emotions can easily run away from you. You may think irrational thoughts, and you may end up saying or doing the most hurtful thing that comes to mind. However, this is tremendously unhealthy and unproductive. The best way to build a healthy channel of communication is to always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated, even during an argument.
- Always speak with respect and kindness. Even in the midst of an argument, remember that your spouse wants the same courtesies as you.
- Never say anything critical or argumentative, and resist the urge to get defensive or avoid your problems.
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Express your wants and needs. Many arguments arise because one partner feels like the other isn't meeting their wants and needs. However, it's entirely possible that your partner doesn't know or fully understand what you want or need at that moment. Instead of forcing your spouse to play guessing games, let your partner know what you want and need, both in a given situation and in your relationship in general. Ask your partner to do the same with you.^{[11]
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- Never expect your partner to know what you want in a given moment. Your partner is not a mind reader and neither are you, so use your words to calmly convey your wants and needs before it reaches a point of argument.
- Express your wants and needs as a request, never as a demand. Your spouse is much more likely to meet your needs if you ask politely and calmly, rather than screaming that they should or shouldn't do something.
3
Distinguish emotional statements from factual ones. Your spouse might make an emotional statement, saying (for example) that they feel like you don't spend enough time together. It's important to recognize that your spouse is not necessarily saying, "We don't spend enough time together," nor is your spouse necessarily blaming you. Your spouse is simply conveying their emotions and trying to resolve what they see as a growing problem.
- Resist the urge to get defensive. Take a deep breath and break apart the actual words your partner said.
- Notice whether or not your spouse ever actually presented the statement as a matter of fact, and whether or not your spouse placed any blame on you.
- Instead of turning it around and blaming your spouse for their feelings, ask why your spouse feels that way and what you can do to change it.
4
Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. "I" statements simply convey how you're feeling and why. For example, you might use an "I" statement to tell your spouse, "I feel sad when you don't listen." By contrast, "you" statements place blame - for example, "You never listen to me."^{[12]
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- Use calm words to convey your feelings, then give concrete examples of what made you feel that way and why. Keep your examples relevant to the conversation by not bringing up past incidents.
- For example, you might say something like, "It really hurt my feelings when you said you didn't want to put up with me anymore. I felt abandoned, and it made me feel like you don't value me or see me as your partner."
5
Deal with issues as they come up. Avoiding a topic of discussion will not make it go away. You simply end up bottling all those resentful or hurt feelings for a while, and they end up coming out explosively when you least expect it.
- Don't put off talking about something that hurt your feelings. Wait until it's an appropriate time to talk, though - for example, wait until you get home from a party to let your spouse know you're upset about something.
- Never act passive-aggressively towards your partner. This includes giving them the cold shoulder or avoiding them while angrily insisting that nothing is wrong.
- Deal with the issue when it comes up by sitting down together and having a calm, rational conversation to try and arrive at a reasonable solution.
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Resist the urge to say things in the moment. Dealing with issues when they come up does not mean saying whatever thoughts come to mind during an argument. In the heat of the moment, you may think (and end up saying) angry or even hurtful things, and if you allow yourself to vocalize those thoughts, there's no way to take them back.^{[13]
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- Take a breather any time you feel like saying something hurtful. Ask your spouse to do the same.
- Let your partner know that you need to take a conversational pause. Specify where you'll be and when you'll be ready to talk again, then meet at the agreed upon time and place.
- Use that time to take a walk, listen to relaxing music through headphones (don't blast the stereo), or simply sit alone in a dark room and focus on your breathing.
- When you're both feeling calm and refreshed, meet with your spouse and calmly discuss the issue without placing blame or getting defensive.
7
Work on nonverbal communication skills. Your words can be harmful and emotionally damaging during an argument, but so can the way you say them. You may not be aware of your own nonverbal signals, but they convey a lot of information, whether you mean to or not.
- Be aware of your posture and body language. The way you carry yourself while talking to your partner can convey a lot of emotions.
- Facial expressions can be difficult for some people to recognize or control. If you tend to grimace or scrunch your face without realizing it, ask your spouse to politely point it out when you do it so you'll become more aware of it.
- Avoid crossing your arms, turning away from your partner, or rolling your eyes, as all of these convey a negative or dismissive reaction to what your spouse is saying.
- Be aware of your spouse's nonverbal signals as well. For example, if your partner's expression looks saddened by what you said, pause and put your hand reassuringly on their shoulder, then apologize and say, "Let me try rephrasing that."
8
Negotiate without trying to win. A healthy argument involves some type of negotiation or compromise that solves the problem with both partners feeling fairly treated. An argument should never be about proving that your partner was "wrong," as this won't actually solve the problem at all.
- Remember that it's perfectly acceptable for you and your partner to agree to disagree. Instead of trying to convince one another that you're "right," just acknowledge your different opinions, let it go, and move on.^{[14]
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- You should never enter an argument hoping to prove your spouse wrong or prove yourself right. There's never a winner or loser in an argument - instead, you should think of solving the argument as a win for your relationship that benefits both of you.
- For example, if you argued because your spouse said hurtful things about you being late, ask your spouse to avoid saying those types of comments, then promise your spouse that you'll work on managing your time and leaving earlier in the future.
9
Apologize for hurt feelings. It's important to apologize any time you or your partner hurt one another's feelings, whether it was intentional or not. Some couples may try to adopt a "don't talk about it after we argue" approach, but this can leave one or both of you feeling hurt.^{[15]
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- Acknowledge that what you said or did was hurtful.
- Don't give a fake apology, like saying "I'm sorry you felt that way." Instead, offer a sincere, heartfelt apology, such as "I'm sorry I said that, dear. I got carried away and I know it was wrong, and I just feel awful that I made you sad."
- If your spouse said something hurtful to you, politely ask them to apologize as well.
- You might consider having a conversation with your spouse about your expectations for how and when you should each apologize to one another after a fight.
- Reader Poll: We asked 319 wikiHow readers who’ve argued with a partner, and 61% of them agreed that the best way to show your commitment to rebuilding the relationship is by apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions. [Take Poll]

Part 5

Part 5 of 5:

Building a Stronger, More Supportive Relationship

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1
Share positive, loving feelings. A healthy relationship requires healthy communication. If you're only really communicating when you argue, you're not building a strong foundation for your relationship.
- Tell your spouse that you love them and care about them. You don't need any special occasion to do this - you can do it every day if you're comfortable doing so.
- Let your partner know when they've done something that makes you happy and thank them for it. For example, you might say, "I really appreciate the way you've been inviting me to more social events. It means a lot to me, so thank you."
- Show gratitude for the little acts of kindness your spouse does for you every day. Even small and simple things like sharing household chores or picking up after you when you're busy or not feeling well deserve acknowledgment.
2
Choose your battles. If your spouse said or did something that seriously upset you, offended you, or threatened the stability of your marriage, you should have a serious talk about the incident. However, if your spouse says something in passing that rubs you the wrong way, it's probably not worth starting an argument over.^{[16]
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- Learn to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. For example, if you've been married for several years and your spouse has never criticized you over something before, they probably didn't mean to do so now.
- Focus on the kind, caring things your partner says and does every day. It's probably safe to assume that those acts of kindness outweigh this one word or action that you didn't like.
- Never criticize your spouse. You can criticize actions or words if you can do so respectfully, but tearing down your partner is not a healthy way to communicate.
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Enjoy your time together. One way to build a stronger foundation for your relationship is to bond over shared interests. This can help remind you that your partner cares about you, which may help you give them the benefit of the doubt when an argument does pop up.^{[17]
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- Take an interest in your spouse's hobbies. You can also invite your spouse to join you at something you enjoy.
- Try taking up a new hobby together - something that you can both learn and explore together.
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Check in from time to time. It's normal for relationships to change and evolve over time. This happens because you and your partner are changing and evolving, and you should be growing together instead of separately or apart. As this happens, you may find it comforting to check in with your spouse on the status of things.^{[18]
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- Ask your spouse about any changes in goals or expectations for one another and for the relationship.
- You can also check in by saying something like, "I'm sorry I overreacted last week. I feel like things are back to normal, but I wanted to make sure you feel like everything is okay with us after that fight we had."
- You may only need to check in on goals or expectations once or twice a year, though some couples may need to do this more often. You should only need to check on the status of your relationship after really big arguments.
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Seek counseling as needed. If the level of communication between you and your spouse has deteriorated or is consistently negative, you may need the help of a marriage counselor.^{[19]
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- Never feel embarrassed or frustrated over needing the help of a marriage counselor. Not getting professional help would likely cause your relationship to continue to deteriorate.
- Make sure your counselor is a licensed therapist with training that specifically deals with marital therapy. You should also make sure the therapist is committed to finding real solutions, rather than just encouraging a separation.^{[20]
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- It's important to have a clear idea of what you hope to accomplish with the help of a marriage counselor. You'll need to work on the issues at home between sessions, which is where most of the healing and repair will take place.^{[21]
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- Be honest and open during counseling. This should be a time and place where you and your spouse can calmly and respectfully air your grievances and find ways to work through them.

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How do I stop saying mean things when I'm triggered?

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.

Maya Diamond, MA

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

When you're triggered, your nervous system goes into fight or flight, and it's very hard not to say hurtful things. The first thing to do is to notice that you're triggered, then do something to help yourself self-regulate and calm down. That might be breathing 3 deep breaths into your belly, or it might be looking in the mirror and remind yourself that you love this person and they love you.

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