How to Stop Arguing with Someone in Your Head

Co-authored by Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: January 29, 2023 References

Have you ever gotten upset after a drawn-out argument with someone—only to eventually realize that the whole disagreement only took place in your head? It's perfectly normal to rehearse difficult conversations ahead of time, and it can actually be a great way to work out exactly what you want to say. However, if these imagined arguments are happening frequently or they're very intense, it may help to practice a few techniques that will help you express yourself more calmly during a real conversation.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Shutting Down an Internal Argument

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1
Accept that you may disagree with someone you like. Even when you like someone a lot, you may sometimes find that there are certain subjects you just can't agree on.^{[1]
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Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.} If you want to keep a friendly relationship with that person, sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. If that's the case, try to change the subject before the argument goes too far, and avoid talking about that topic again in the future.^{[2]
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- For instance, if you and your sibling have vastly different opinions on how to educate your children, you might say something like, "I know you love your kids very much, and I love mine. I respect your right to do what you think is best for your family, and I hope you'll respect my decision too, even if you don't necessarily agree with it."
- If there are issues you need to address, like dividing up chores in your household, sit down and plan out how you can have that conversation in a healthy, productive way. However, sometimes it's best to let smaller things go without worrying about them too much.
2
Try not to engage with people who enjoy arguing. While you can't avoid every negative interaction with others, you can cut out a lot of them by being choosier about how you spend your time and who you're around. If there's someone you just can't seem to get along with, try to limit how much time you're around them, if it's at all possible. If you can't do that, try as hard as you can to steer the conversation away from controversial subjects that typically end in arguments.^{[3]
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- In addition, avoid participating in hotly-contested debates on social media, like commenting on political discussions. People have more of a tendency to be unkind when they're typing words rather than saying them to someone's face, and you might find yourself getting wrapped up in a heated argument that will linger with you for days.^{[4]
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3
Remind yourself that other people's opinions don't define you. It's normal to want other people to approve of you. However, it's important to remember that it's not actually a reflection of your value if someone else doesn't like you. If you don't get as emotionally wrapped up in what the other person thinks, you might find it easier to avoid getting into arguments with them in your head.
- For instance, instead of confronting a coworker after they make a snarky comment about your lack of experience, you might tell yourself something like, "Ray might not see why I'm qualified for this job, but he's not the one who hired me. I just have to keep doing my best, and I know I'll get the hang of it."
4
Learn to recognize when you start having an internal argument. Sometimes, you might go through a whole argument in your head before you even realize it's happening.^{[5]
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Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.} However, the more you engage in these negative thoughts, the more you'll reinforce them. Every so often, check-in with yourself. If you catch yourself getting caught up in an imaginary argument, gently remind yourself that it's happening, and try to turn your thoughts to something else, if you can.^{[6]
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- At first, it might be difficult to stop the argument, even after you recognize that it's happening. That's okay—it will take some practice to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
- You might create a phrase that you can use to remind yourself when this is happening, like, "I'm arguing with myself again," or "This argument isn't real right now."
5
Distract yourself if you're thinking through an argument. If you can't stop arguing with someone in your head, go find something else to do for a while. It's best if you can do something that will engage your body and mind together, like doing a challenging workout. However, anything that gets your mind off the subject will do.^{[7]
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- You might also go for a walk outside, talk to a supportive friend, solve a crossword puzzle, or play a tough video game.
- Don't just do a menial task like washing the dishes—your mind will still be free to keep going over the argument while your body does the work.
- Try breathing in for 4 seconds and breathing out for 4 seconds.^{[8]
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  Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.}
- Try doing guided imagery or performing body scan meditation.^{[9]
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  Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.}
6
Set aside a time to think about arguments you can't forget. Playing out arguments in your head can often make you feel emotional or angry, which can sometimes derail your whole day. If you find that happening often, it can help to designate a specific time during the day for these imagined conversations. That way, if you catch yourself getting wrapped up in one, you can pause it and remind yourself that there's time for that later.^{[10]
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- For instance, you might allow yourself an hour after dinner to practice an upcoming difficult conversation or play through an old one.
- This is similar to the way people with anxiety sometimes designate a specific time of day just for worrying.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Working through Your Feelings

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1
Think through the whole conversation. When you're ready to work through the argument, sit down and let the whole conversation play out. Allow yourself to think through your responses to what you imagine the other person would say, or come up with retorts to things they actually did say during your last argument. As you do that, though, try to focus on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are upsetting you, rather than just trying to craft a devastating insult.^{[11]
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- For instance, if you keep replaying the time a coworker implied you're not good at your job, you might think about why that really hurts. Are you insecure about your ability to do your job, or maybe bothered because you don't feel like you're recognized at work?
2
Name your emotions to yourself as they arise. Pay attention to the feelings that come up as you play through the argument, and try to label them. Naming your emotions can help you understand them better, which might help you feel like you're better in control of them.^{[12]
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- For example, if you're replaying a conversation where you were having a hard time getting your point across, you might say something like, "I feel frustrated that I wasn't able to explain myself," or "I felt anxious during that argument."
- You might notice reactions in your body, too, like, "I'm feeling unheard and my face is burning."^{[13]
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- Don't judge your emotions—they're not good or bad, even if they're positive or negative emotions. Your feelings are normal, and understanding them can help you figure out how to move forward.
3
Write down your thoughts in a journal to express them. Sometimes replaying arguments in your head is just a way to work out feelings that you haven't been able to express yet.^{[14]
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Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.} In that case, it can help just to write everything out. That can allow you to identify exactly what's bothering you, as well as what you might like to do about it.^{[15]
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- You can write in a journal, for instance, or you might write a letter to the person you're arguing with in your head.
- You don't have to give the person the letter if you don't want to—just addressing your thoughts to the person can help you feel a lot better.^{[16]
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  Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
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  Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.} However, if you think reading the letter might help them understand you better, feel free to give it to them.
4
Talk to a counselor if rehearsing conversations interferes with your life. If you find yourself replaying conversations and arguments over and over again, if it's causing you to lose sleep, or if you're getting really angry or upset, it may help to talk to a mental health provider. This can be a sign that you're struggling with anxiety. A counselor can help you learn techniques to manage that anxiety and express your thoughts when you're around other people.^{[17]
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- Many counselors now offer telehealth services, so you may be able to speak with someone without ever having to leave your home.
- You could also talk to someone you trust, like a parent, a close friend, or a school counselor.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Expressing Difficult Thoughts

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1
Let the other person know you need to talk. If you've been replaying an argument in your head, it's often best to talk directly to the other person involved.^{[18]
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Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.} Once you've narrowed down what's really bothering you, try to find a time when neither of you are busy or distracted, then ask the other person if you can have a moment. Explain that you've had something on your mind you'd like to talk to them about, and ask them if it's okay if you share it.
- For instance, if you need to talk to a coworker, you might say something like, "Hey Carol, can I borrow you for a minute before lunch? I just want to clear the air after the meeting last week."
- Wait until you're feeling completely calm to start the conversation.^{[19]
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2
Take turns talking. Even if it feels a little awkward, ask the person to let you get all of your thoughts out first, then explain that you'll be happy to hear what they have to say. Let them know that sometimes it's hard for you to talk about your thoughts and feelings, but you'd like some space to explain yourself without interruption.^{[20]
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- For example, you might say, "I have a couple of things to say, and I'm honestly not that great at talking about myself. It might be harder for me to explain myself if you interrupt me, but if you'll give me a few minutes first, I'll definitely welcome your input when I'm finished."
- Be sure to listen respectfully when it's the other person's turn to talk, too.
3
Speak slowly and with an even tone. Before you start talking about how you feel, take a deep breath and think about what you're about to say. Speak clearly and slowly, and try to keep your voice calm throughout the whole conversation, even if you start to feel a little upset.^{[21]
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- This can be really hard sometimes, especially if you find yourself getting emotional. However, it might help if you take slow, deep breaths to compose yourself if you start to feel emotional.
- If you get too upset, it can be hard for the other person to focus on what you're really saying—they may get caught up in minor details or hone in on the fact that your voice is raised.
4
Use "I statements" to express your feelings. If the other person feels like you're blaming or attacking them, they might shut down or start to feel defensive, which can quickly derail a conversation. To help avoid that, start your sentences with the word "I" rather than with "You."^{[22]
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Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.}
- For instance, instead of saying, "You were really rude to me yesterday," you might say, "I felt hurt after we talked yesterday."
- You might say, "When you talk over me in conversations, I feel small, as if my voice doesn't matter."^{[24]
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  Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.}
- Don't use "I" statements as a way to camouflage an attack. For instance, don't say, "I feel like you're a big jerk."^{[25]
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5
Talk about the root of the issue rather than details. When you replay an argument in your head, it's easy to get bogged down in the little things that made you feel upset. However, rehashing the things that hurt your feelings isn't likely to be a productive conversation. Try to stay focused on the big picture, like establishing boundaries or avoiding conflict in the future.^{[26]
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- For instance, instead of arguing about the other person coming home late, explain that you feel worried and disregarded if they don't let you know they're running behind.
- Try to stay focused on the issue at hand. Don't bring up everything from the past that's ever happened, even if it's very similar to what you're upset about. ^{[27]
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6
Try to find common ground. Even if you're disagreeing on a subject, you can usually find something to agree on. Actively listen when the other person is talking, and try to find a value you share. If you can find a way to relate to the person, it can help you feel less stressed during the conversation.^{[28]
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- For instance, if you're disagreeing with someone over who's responsible for a project at work, you might say something like, "I know we both have the best interest of the company at heart. We just have to find a way to work together on this."
7
Know when to end the conversation. Whether you're talking to someone in person or you're rehashing an argument in your head, sometimes you just have to recognize when it's time to walk away. If you feel like you aren't getting anywhere and you're just becoming more upset, politely wrap things up and excuse yourself.^{[29]
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- If you still have unresolved feelings, try looking for another way to express them, like writing them down or talking to someone else.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Dealing with Anxiety During a Conversation

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1
Take deep breaths if you start to feel nervous. When you're trying to talk to someone about your feelings, you may notice yourself feeling anxious. The easiest way to help counteract those feelings is to breathe deeply. Take in a long breath through your nose, focusing on the way the air feels as it fills your lungs and belly. Then, exhale through your mouth.^{[30]
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- Even just taking a few deep breaths can help you regulate your emotions.
- The great thing about this is you can do it anywhere, even during a conversation, without anyone else noticing.
2
Try a grounding exercise if your anxiety increases. If breathing doesn't help you feel calmer, or if the other person is upsetting you, you may start to get in your head, which can make it harder to express yourself. If that happens, try to identify something you're experiencing with each of your 5 senses in that moment, which can help you feel more grounded and calm.^{[31]
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- For instance, you might notice the way your shirt feels against your skin, the sound of the air conditioner, the smell of a candle in the room, the taste of a mint you just ate, and the pattern of the shadows on the wall.
3
Repeat a mantra to yourself to stay even-keeled. Try to think of a short phrase that will be personally meaningful when you feel anxious, like "I am safe," or "I can't control other people's reactions." Then, when you're involved in a difficult conversation, repeat this phrase in your head over and over until you start to feel calmer.^{[32]
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- In a professional setting, you might have a mantra like, "This is a work issue, not a personal one."
4
Keep your body language relaxed. When you feel tense, it can show in your body. Make a conscious effort to uncross your arms and lean back slightly, and don't ball up your fist or tap your feet or hands. By relaxing physically, you'll send a signal to your brain that it can relax, as well.^{[33]
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- This can help the other person feel more relaxed as well.

Expert Q&A

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What does it mean when you have fake arguments in your head?

Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Ashlyne Mullen is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in New York City. She specializes in helping people through chronic illness, anxiety, depression, grief, insomnia, personal growth, and relationships. Dr. Mullen holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology, an MS in Applied Psychology, and an MA in Educational Psychology. She has extensive training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT), Functional Analytic Psychotherapy (FAP), and other mindfulness-based interventions.

Ashlyne Mullen, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

People have internal arguments for different reasons! You might be trying to prove a point, combat invalidation, or be understood.

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Warnings

If you find yourself constantly rehearsing arguments with the same person, they may be a toxic presence in your life. If it's possible, it may be best to limit your interaction with them.

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